So I wanted to PUKE...

Last night was a weird night... I got up at 3am and wanted to puke me guts out. I didn't...but I wanted too. Is it weird that I was so happy? I never thought in a million years that I would enjoy that feeling. It was such a sign of hope, that I truly excited me. Now, I know that just because I wanted to puke last night, doesn't mean that I am prego... I wish that was all it took but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I am excited to go to bed tonight to see if it happens again. I know...crazy.
I think I have learned a lot about myself last night, while sitting on a towel in the bathroom at 3am. I learned that I have the faith that will get me through this time of anxiousness. I am excited that I know that through my faith I can achieve anything!
I don't think I mentioned before that I am LDS (Latter-Day Saint aka Mormon) but I am, and I love it. I received a blessing last night from my amazing husband that said that I was on the right path, and my desires are in line with Heavenly Fathers plan. I have to be patient... which just happens to me my weakest link.
I am supposed to get my period on the 21st...which happens to be my 3 year Anniversary to my lovely husband. I hope it doesn't come... Although even if it doesn't it still doesn't mean I am out of the clear. You see I have had 3 periods in the last year... It's a big part of my condition called PCOS. Since my eggs are turning into cysts, there is no need to have a period. The thing about it, and why I haven't stopped trying to get pregnant, is that I know that if Heavenly Father wanted to remove those cysts...whats stopping him? I mean ultimately He has the final say right? If I am supposed to be pregnant then I will.
I was sitting next to a pregnant woman last week, and I saw her baby kick. It was amazing. I love to see such miracles like that one. I am excited for the day that that is me... but until then I am Still Trying...

Waiting...

So, now I wait. A whole lot of waiting. This I think is the hardest part of it all. Waiting for the news, good or bad. I hate it. You should be able to take a test the day after you stop ovulating. Or maybe some clues to give it away. Good ones though, although I would take just about anything these days. There are days when I just think, "I wish I was puking right now." I never thought I was ask to puke, but at least then I would know. I get to test again on January 30th. Thats a long time away, in TTC (trying to concieve) days it's 365... But it will be all worth it if it is possitive.

I feel like everyone around me is either pregnant or talking about it. It used to make me feel awful, but now I have been able to be happy for the person. It took a lot of growing on my part I think I finally have it down. I have my moments but I can make it through it. What's interesting about it, even the people on TV are getting pregnant. I was watching Gilmore Girls and on one of my hard days Suki anounces that she is pregnant, Oh man, did I cry. I called Anthony and he thought something serious was wrong because he couldn't understand a word I said. I laugh about it now...

I can't wait to be pregnant! I will be too... sooner or later.

Not Puking but Still Trying...

So, I am Ovulating...

I don't know if anyone does this or not but I tend to go to those site like, baby zone or baby center and find out what my potential due date would be if I by some miracle was pregnant. Boy, let me tell you I have had a lot of due dates. My latest one is September 30th 2009. It's so funny because it has a calender that tells you what should be going one right now... I like to look at it because even though I am not pregnant I still like to have those thoughts in my head... A heart beat could be forming in my stomach. It's an amazing thought.

I believe in miracles. I do, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that if I had not been trying to get pregnant these past few...I mean many months I would have never found out that I have PCOS. That would have been bad. I refuse to believe that because I have this condition I won't get pregnant soon. I am taking steps to make sure I am getting healthy. I should be taking more and each day I do. I am planning on losing some weight, and eating better.

I know I am totally going to sound like I am blaming my parents for something that I can control but, I feel like my parents ruined my eating habits. I grew up eating fast food and donuts. Until a few years ago I didn't like food I had never tried. I am changing that. I like some kinds of Chicken now! That's huge! I am working on trying to like normal foods...like fresh stuff. haha.
I know that I am the only person that can change my life, but doesn't anyone ever feel like it is some how out of your control sometimes? Doesn't anyone feel like you just need someone else to make your choices because you have a sick feeling like you will screw it up? I do. I feel like I can't seem to get control of myself. I am not a very good listener when I am talking. Does that not makes sense? I don't think it is supposed to.

I know this is all stuff that we are supposed to figure out on our own... I just wish someone could answer for me. Take responsibility for my actions. I don't want to grow up... but I do. I want to act like an adult. More then I even know. I want to be more then what I am now. I want to teach my children how to be more then they are that day. To strive to be more... what ever that means. I want a baby. Everything I get on a trip about always ends up with what I started with.

I want to be pregnant.... Still Trying...

the hardest one to write...

The first post written seems to be the hardest one to write. This is because I need to start from scratch. So, here i go...I created this blog to vent. I need to start letting how I feel out instead of keeping it inside while trying to stay strong for the people around me. This blog isn't meant to offend anyone but to give my opinion on my life...

I have been trying to get pregnant for about 1 year and 6 months. In other words, forever. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to hope every month and be disappointed every month. The hardest part is that I have only had three periods this past year. I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrom (PCOS) Which is a bunch of cysts on my ovaries. Obviously, this would make my getting pregnant extremly hard. I am not usually someone to complain on a regualr basis, but you know, I am sick of it. I just want this blog to be a place where I can feel sorry about myself with out feeling bad about it. I am upset, hurt, sad, angry, and many more and I don't want to feel guilty for it either. I hope that anyone reading isn't thinking to themself...get over it. Because if they are they just need to stop reading now.

I have one little girl already, who keeps me sane. I love her with all my heart and would not change her for the world! I love being a mom, as you can probably tell since I am trying to get pregnant. Don't think I am not happy with what I have because I am! I have an amazing husband who loves me even though I don't look the same as when he married me. He still thinks I am beautiful and I am thankful for that everyday! Is it so bad that I want to add to that? I don't think so...

All I want is to make my perfect family bigger. It's an amazing thing to grow another human being inside your belly. My daughter, Mak, is going to be the best older sister there ever was. I can't wait to see her with the next little one. We even have names... Jacob if it is a boy and Emily if it is a girl. You see, I was pregnant... but not anymore. So as excited as you can imagine we thought of a couple names. I will still get to use them.

I am a religious person, I have faith in my Heavenly Father. I have faith that everything will be ok one day...But this blog is about the right now. How I am feeling right now. It doesn't mean I have less faith, it means that I am being tested and with this blog everyone as well as myself will get to see how able I am to handle all of it. I love my family, faith, and friends.

Until next time I am Still Trying...